The Road to Oz
by Ally K
Summary: Jack realises that something must change…


TITLE: The Road to Oz  
  
AUTHOR: Ally K  
  
EMAIL: sunshine_slayer@hotmail.com  
  
ARCHIVE: Site in development, fanfiction.net, heliopolis alternative when up!  
  
CATEGORY: S/J, POV, Romance  
  
SPOILERS: Metamorphis, Paradise Lost, Revelations, Ascension  
  
SEASON/SEQUEL: 6  
  
RATING: PG  
  
CONTENT WARNINGS:  
  
SUMMARY: Jack realises that something must change.  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine; the actual story and idea is mine, but the characters and name etc, don't belong to me. Oz is of course from the 'Wizard of Oz' so I don't own that either!  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm just couldn't resist after Jack's line in Metamorphis and I had to write a fic about this great episode so much S/J!  
  
Feedback would really be appreciated; did u love/hate it?  
  
  
  
  
  
The Road To Oz  
  
Oz. The place where everything was in the end perfect. Why can't life be like that? Yet, coming home today after nearly loosing her, again, has made me realise that with her around, it is paradise. She is Oz.  
  
But if Earth is Oz, or wherever she is really, then who does that make me? The cowardly lion? In a way I am, I pretend to be a tough soldier, so that to anyone I would appear to be the strong lion, the leader of my people but underneath I am coward. I can't even tell her now how I feel; I left it in that damned room, never to be mentioned again. I let her forget how I truly feel, that if that deadly barrier still existed between us *now*, I still couldn't leave her behind. Yet, even as I watched her worsen earlier I did nothing. It was *her* that rested on my shoulder. It was *her* that took my hand and it was *her* that reassured me with a single look when they took her, that it would be ok. That she didn't blame me; it even said a thank you for trying. None of it was me. I just pretended to be the brave soldier when I insisted they took me instead of her, but what good did it do, they still took her away from me? I just watched. God, how I fought back the irresistible urge to yell, "I love you" as she went. But I didn't. I never do, I am a coward to the core.  
  
What about the tin man? The man without a heart. How can I say I have a heart when I let her suffer, when she was so much pain I do nothing? How can I say I love her when I'm not even sure my heart is still open? What if it is really sealed now, so much denying it, it's finally given up? Finally it can't cope with all these feelings, all these emotions I feel whenever she near and never express? Do I deserve one to have one, after I've broken hers after so much suppressing my feelings? I don't deserve it.  
  
The number of times I've left her down. When Daniel died, I didn't support her, I just made her go on another mission, when clearly she wasn't ready. How heartless was that? Not to mention, how when that stupid Orlin guy came to her, I didn't believe he was really there, even after she told me herself he was. After him, I was just so cold and even a month ago, when I knew she had promised that fifth guy he could come I made her go against it. I know it was for Earth, but I still didn't help her through the guilt that *I* inflicted upon her. I still don't understand how she can really still care for me? Yet, when I was on that moon she fought to get me back. Doctor Fraiser said she barely slept and she even blamed herself. She did *nothing* wrong. It was bloody Maybourne who tricked us. He's trained to be swift. I doubt that I would have felt it either if he'd taken my zat instead. What Teal'c told me after I came back, made me feel far guiltier than she must have done. She, Samantha Carter, miss efficient and total in control Air Force Officer, broke down, over me. I made her cry, I made her for once, break down those carefully constructed barrier. God, I felt terrible but the worst thing. The worst thing ever, I started to forget her. I started to forget everything. Earth, just seemed so far away and soon all there was what that bloody planet and stupid Maybourne. I hope it was the effect of those ludicrous plant things, whatever drugs they were, and not just me. God I hope so. I felt so ashamed that when I first saw her I couldn't even catch her eye. I just felt so guilty. Or perhaps this is another circumstance of the cowardly lion part of me?  
  
Or perhaps, I'm the scarecrow, the one with no brain. I'm not exactly the most intelligent of people. Nothing compared to her. Yet, some days I'm glad of that, because it just gives me more time to spend with her when she explains all those long scientific explanations. Plus she just looks so sweet when she does. She's always so patient with me, never once does she get irritated at me asking. She is perfect but I'm not. I don't have the brain, or the sense to tell her how I feel. Maybe it's not a brain I really need, it's the sense that comes with one. The sense to not deny these feelings anymore, to not put someone I love through all this pain. I need to be fair to her, but I guess I'm just too scared.  
  
Or maybe I'm all of them, as they all were far too scared to find Oz, not without Dorothy. Yep, I'm the sacred one. The same one that refused to look into her eyes. The same one who makes her live through the pain and still not be there to comfort her. The one who won't let her in, the one who would rather live with denying my feeling, then actually having the guts to tell her? The same one who is so scared that she will wake up one morning and see me for who I am really am. She will finally see she is far too good for me, that I just don't deserve her. That she doesn't love me, and probably never did. I'm so scared. I *can't* loose her. She is everything to me. Yet I still stand by, even when she is hurt, even when she is so close to death. All because *I* let her be taken first and I am still too scared to say how I really feel. She could have died not knowing that I still cared, but does she already know? She did give me so many signs she did; she did have the guts to lean on my shoulder. She showed me how she felt maybe it's time I should tell her how *I* feel.  
  
Today I nearly lost her again. I can't be the cowardly lion, the tin man or the scarecrow with no brain anymore. I have to be strong and do the right thing, otherwise the yellow brick road might never get to Oz. Live is full of risks, maybe for once I might just have to risk my heart because otherwise that paradise will always be just a dream. Maybe it just took this, to finally give me the heart I longed for, the courage I dreamed of and the strength to overcome my fear. Perhaps, for once I even have to thank a Goa'uld for something. Yep, today I nearly lost the woman I love, but today I have the guts to tell her I feel. Maybe today was a good day. Now all there for me to do is just go to back to *my* Oz, *my* Sam.  
  
~Finish~ 


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